the land of denial is a very beautiful

okie it was an interesting day....
firstly i could hardly get up this morning, was such a struggle!!! honestly i dunno how i dragged my arse outa bed but i'm glad i dont have to work early tomoz morn- otherwise it just woulda been bad...
however that wasnt the weird/ interesting thing today!!!
i went to work this sarvo and a particular person dropped by to give someone a folio of what they did for their ratings as teachers!!! BUT it wasnt just a drop off, and when this certain person- who is a he, arrived there i just nodded at them then went back to doing my job- supervising children... he didnt speak to me at all but went to talk to bec...another girl at work! however i was standing with the girl he'd brought the folio for and after shooting a few hoops came and asked me if i was at uni today! i mean its not like he doesnt KNOW my timetable... well he remembers everything else so it was a pointless question! but after he spoke to me i felt ok to go and play ball with him and one other child. however at this point of mucking around and shooting hoops that i realised how much i still do like him still... i thought i was moving on, but im not- i can still feel the tugging at the heart, it hurts soo bad. I thought i was over it tho and to find out i'm not... well that just makes sad that i didnt have the will to get over it...
i mean it musta been soo obvious that on the way back up to the center that bec said to me- u so still like him... all i could say was yes, i do, i cant turn those feelings off.
argh... which basically sums it up really well :( but i cant like this guy and i cant stand the fact that i do... and before all else he is a friend and i know i push him away coz i know i dont look at him if i can help it and i got home today and i could smell him! he was the one that came close to me not the other way round coz i stunk due to the fact i had been running round a bit- so i was staying at arms length but i could remember the smell of him and that was more toture than probably anything else...
i wish i could see into the future sometimes! i know that its good to have surprises and 'to look around the river bend' but this time- i wanna know what is around that bend... coz this part is sooo rippled and everytime i hit a rock its like hitting rock bottom. i really did honestly think i was over it, i felt like i was. but not only that i sent him a random text the other night, and he replied and asked if i wanted a chat, of course i said yea alright... talk to ya soon. and then like a second later the phone was ringing...
everytime i'm moving on he does something that hurts to keep pulling away...

i also should be throwing myself into uni, like a lot more than what i've been doing... i mean i've been on a cruise lately, went out shopping on friday night, didnt do anything on sat- finally managed to finish an assignment worth 10% on sunday and thats about all i did all weekend :S i mean i shoulda got thru a training program and things of that sort.

anyways i'll abort this coz i'm moving outa my land of denial and it is really too beautiful to go away from at the moment. but i should keep thinking about feelings and stuff, it is something that i have to work out myself first.